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• --- On blocking hoes ---
• 1-Kun (2025-11-30 14:10 ID:pRw0RMwL )
• Bear with me, I haven't been here since "romance" was its own board. I've been in the middle of some vague romantic drama recently, and while ruminating on it I remembered you all and thought you might have a little input that I'd appreciate. I'll likely have at least one update to make later, so I can hopefully provide some closure to whatever's discussed eventually. It's no Densha Otoko, but still... Hear my little story, let me know "am I the asshole," etc etc. \n\n I've been trying to date casually for about a year, following a particularly rough ending to a very long term relationship. Basically my thought was, "I'll try to process everything, focus on my own life and stay very truly casual in relationships until the situation arises that makes me want something different." Overall this has gone really well. I've met various women, had The Good Sex, and I've stayed pretty true to my original concept--I've been able to communicate what I was/wasn't looking for clearly and whenever that hasn't lined up, we've just stopped continuing to go out pretty amicably. \n\n Fast forward to a couple months ago. I started seeing a woman from a dating app--I'll call her "Rouzu." This is where a lot of the issues I want to discuss in a second came into play. \n\n Rouzu is around my age, late 20s/early 30s range. She's notably clingier than a lot of the people I've met in the past year--she's a visual artist with a very nervous energy, if that helps describe the vibe to you. A much more frequent texter than me or some of the other people I've been seeing, she would always text again if I didn't reply fast enough. She was trying to hang out way more days of the week than I wanted to. From the start I communicated that I wasn't looking for anything exclusive at the moment, and at this point I felt comfortable enough with just defending my boundaries to still hang out with her casually. \n\n About 2 weeks into seeing her, I was on a first date with someone else. I didn't text Rouzu all morning, and on my train ride home I saw more than one random personal update and the old "what are you up to?" She didn't take it well at all when I said I was on a date--apparently she had assumed that what we were doing was "becoming more serious." I talked about it with her in person and that's when she started throwing out all this stuff about how I was the "only person she could see herself with," how she had already stopped using the dating app, etc. I once again stated exactly what I had said before, and tried to make it very clear that in the near or distant future I wasn't looking for a committed relationship with her. She said she understood, and that she was still interested in hanging out under those terms--I think in all this my biggest mistake was believing at that moment that I had just failed to communicate well before, and that now we really were on the same page. Foolishly I agreed to keep seeing her past that. \n\n
• 1-Kun (2025-11-30 14:11 ID:pRw0RMwL )
• The next time I saw Rouzu, she had a hickey in a very obvious spot on her chest. In the back of my mind I wondered if she had intentionally gone out and gotten one to try and make me jealous, or something--not wanting to participate in that sort of energy, I just ignored it and didn't even acknowledge it when we Had Sex. Unfortunately, this was foreshadowing. \n\n We kept seeing each other for another month or so, but at this point it was starting to really rub me the wrong way how much defense I seemed to have to keep up to maintain my space and feel comfortable. She was still clearly more into me than I was trying to be with her. Again, at this point I've already been in (and out of) a very serious relationship, and this same year I've had a number of very solid and respectful short-term relationships. The feeling I couldn't shake was, "I was dealing with a girl acting like this in high school, I don't have to deal with this now. I know what healthy relationships feel like, and this is toeing the line." But I still thought she was alright, and I was very clearly communicating, so I figured I'd continue at least a week or two and break things off if I still felt the same way. \n\n That same week that I had that thought, I met this other woman. I'll call her "Tsuki". I met Tsuki randomly IRL on my walk home from the grocery, and we hit it off immediately. I try not to put too much onto "love at first sight" but there was clearly a really shared wavelength from the first conversation we had. I got her number, and we started dating with a much more intentional energy than anything I'd been in this past year. I quickly realized this was the kind of situation I had been holding out for, and I wanted to give it the space it needed to grow--after a couple weeks of seeing her, I decided to hit up the women I was still casually dating and end things with them. \n\n Everyone else took it really well, which I appreciated. I sent a couple texts and got some very understanding responses, all the old "wish you the best"s or offers to be friends. After I texted Rouzu my phone exploded. \n\n
• 1-Kun (2025-11-30 14:12 ID:pRw0RMwL )
• I was stuck on the phone for at least an hour while she spiraled about the whole thing. A lot of the same talk from weeks ago, I'm "the only one she wants to be with," etc etc. In that same conversation she also let slip that she basically was just trying to wait around until I was ready to be exclusive to get with me. She actually brought up that fucking hickey from weeks ago herself as well, basically citing it as her thinking she had "proven" that she was willing to be non-exclusive "in the meantime." I was sufficiently freaked from this and tried to make it very clear that I actually meant we were done and I wouldn't want to hang in the future. \n\n Another week, and here we are in the present. I'm on a date with Tsuki, and Rouzu texts me again. Now she wants a flower vase back that she gave me when we first started seeing each other. Even as we were trying to figure out when I could get it to her, the goalposts started moving in a similar way as before--first it's "you could bring it here at this time," then it's "oh actually what if we did it an hour earlier, or on this day when we have more time," etc. I was pretty fed up with the thought that she was just trying to vie for my attention again, and I told her I'd accidentally thrown it away. My hope was that was the last thing she could have to message me about, and she'd finally take a hint. She then still kept trying to text me, in a way that would do nothing other than prolong the conversation. "You threw away the vase?" ("yes.") "You....REALLY threw away the vase?" etc etc. I couldn't keep doing it, especially not while sitting next to someone who I felt so strongly for. And so, as per the title of the thread, I blocked her on everything. \n\n Thinking about it, I don't know if I've ever actually blocked someone, besides a particularly toxic ex from a very old long-term relationship. Definitely nobody from a dating app, before. In general I try not to "ghost" because I value communication a lot. But this whole situation seemed so weird and borderline toxic, and writing down half of the vignettes from my time dating Rouzu here, I don't feel terrible about doing it. Still, I'm curious if there's any thoughts on the situation. The one that I'm already kicking myself for is, I dated Rouzu maybe an entire month and a half longer than I should have--I feel like that first "misunderstanding" was already setting up every other weird thing about going out with her, and if I had listened to my gut faster I wouldn't have had to come this far. \n\n If you've actually read this far, bless you, write something. I really am curious on if you think blocking Rouzu like that was decent or not, as it's the first time I've been in this situation. I know this board's got a leisurely pace to it, so whenever you see this, a month or year or whenever from now, leave your thoughts. I'll probably poke my head in in a month or two to give a general update (if I remember to, ha ha.) \n\n
• Anonymous Counsellor (2025-11-30 15:51 ID:gGg20e4o )
• Based on what you've written, I think you were totally justified blocking her and cutting contact. Not returning the vase was maybe a slight dick move, depending on how expensive it was, but not really a big deal comparatively. \n\n
• Anonymous Counsellor (2025-12-02 23:54 ID:ANWPqzBL )
• Similar to what you were saying, in the future I think it's important to recognize who would be okay with a "casual relationship" and who isn't so comfortable with it. You experienced firsthand that some people might agree to a casual relationship (or be somewhat of a "pushover" about it) even though they don't really want that. Rouzo's clinginess might have been a signal for you to break it off entirely. But what you did -- telling her that you want a casual relationship, her agreeing, and then going through with it -- was an honest thing to do. I'm just pointing out how your experience teaches a lesson for the future. \n\n I do think what you did at the end -- telling her you threw away the vase and blocking her -- was too much and could have deeply hurt her. She seems like someone who struggles with issues of her own, based on her clinginess and nervous personality. She's clearly in a fragile state, and while you're not responsible for taking care of her, it's still important to be sensitive. The right move probably would have been: texting her, "I'm busy at the moment. Speak later." Turn off your phone's notifications for a bit. Later on make a time to return the vase in a brief manner (to avoid the issue of her moving the goalposts, you could be strategic and suggest the time yourself... "Does 5 tomorrow work for you?" This way there is less back and forth communication.) Go, return the vase, and tell her that you think the relationship has come to an end (and then possibly block her. But I'm not sure about that. Imagine how much it hurts to send a text and get "Message failed to deliver". IDK, maybe I'm being too sensitive on this point.)
• I think telling her that you threw away the vase and then blocking her probably hurt her a lot. It sucks, but there's almost a sure chance she cried afterwards. I understand why you did it, though. The whole thing comes down to detecting a fragile or sensitive person and then being appropriately sensitive to that person's situation (not continuing the casual relationship when that person shows signs of clinginess, ending things in a softer way while still keeping boundaries) \n\n
• Anonymous Counsellor (2025-12-08 21:15 ID:m5ky+9Ny )
• Blocking Rouzu was correct but I also agree that it was a dick move to not return the vase, even if it was obviously just her making excuses to see you again. She doesn't seem "crazy" crazy but my paranoid ass would be worried about stalking anyway. I hope she learns to set her own boundaries about exclusivity. \n\n
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